Milkshake Butterfly (milkshake_b) wrote,
Milkshake Butterfly
milkshake_b

Oh, for fuck's sake, DC.

So, for the three of you who haven't heard it, DC is doing a reboot again. It's going to be so much bigger and better than the old reboots, and is totally going to save the company, you'll see! It really will work this time!

But anyway, they've been dribbling out their new title information a little bit at a time, and here's one of the most recent nuggets of joy:
"Stormwatch is a dangerous super human strike force whose existence is kept secret from the world. Jack Hawksmoor and the rest of the crew look to recruit two of the deadliest super humans on the planet: Midnighter and Apollo. And if they say no? Perhaps the Martian Manhunter can change their minds. Featuring a surprising new roster, STORMWATCH #1 will be written by the critically-acclaimed Paul Cornell (Superman: The Black Ring, “Dr. Who”) and illustrated by Miguel Sepulveda."

And here's the cover, which appears to be Martian Manhunter, redesigned Apollo*, and redesigned chinspike!Midnighter, despite the fact even the writer keeps saying that's Jack Hawksmoor in the middle. I'm starting to wonder if it's some sort of fucked-up clue, and not a mistake. (More realistically, it was probably Jack in the sketch and an executive decision turned it--hideously--into Apollo sometime after that. Still, it does not bode well.)
Stormwatch Reboot Solicit Cover. Three figures stand around a glowing holographic sphere that may be meant to represent the earth: J'onn J'onzz, looking normal; Apollo, looking like a bad 80s plastic action figure with no hair, a slit nose, and a short-sleeve uniform redesign; and the Midnighter, in a blue, black, and silver uniform redesign featuring lots of metal plates in 'modern' scale patterns and a number of random spikes. There's one on his chin, like a zit.


I have no words for the stupidity of all this. I do have words for the complete lack of mention of any of the ladies thus far. They are not polite ones.

Now, I grant you, if you only know the Authority via fannish osmosis, you may think Apollo and Midnighter compose the whole of the team, but actually it's home to several of my favorite female superheroes, including the Angie, the Engineer, who told her guidance counselor she wanted to be a superhero when she grew up and then made it happen; Jenny Sparks, the smoking, drinking, swearing spirit of the 20th century, who may have been depressed because it was the 80s or may have caused the 80s because she was depressed; and her successor, Jenny Quantum, who has two daddies and cannot be told certain bedtime stories because of her tendency to make them come true. Hell, Jenny Sparks was the one who founded the Authority and recruited Apollo and the Midnighter in the first place, and in the sensible, in-universe reboot which is the one I choose to pay attention to, JennyQ runs the joint after she aged herself up so she could see over the counters to hit people.

So you might think somewhere in the discussion of the new title the question might have at least arisen about "So where's Jenny, who originally done this deal you're now giving to J'onn J'onzz, and who was actually one of the members of the Authority who was in Stormwatch, unlike certain other headlining individuals you have named?" but no. Apollo and Midnighter are in it and still gay, and that's all anybody really cares about, right? (Distressingly, going by quite a large section of fannish reaction, it's true. I can't wait to see what happens when they try to kiss, given Apollo's complete lack of mouth in the design concept. Perhaps that's what the chinspike is for?)

And this is just an Authority fan talking. I don't know what the Stormwatch fans are thinking. I wonder: are there still people looking forward to this reboot? Because every time I run across one, within a day or two DC manages to release some new info that pisses them off, too. I'm starting to wonder if they've actually got someone who really truly believes there is no such thing as bad press.


* For a bonus, check out the next design down. Who looks as Deathstroke and goes "Hmm, needs more spikes"?
Tags: misogyny yay, stupid executives, the authority
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